My Unorthodox Solution to Power Struggles

Mommy/Kid Role Swap

Since the dawn of time, parents have been struggling with defiant offspring. If you're reading this, chances are, you're no stranger to the stubborn "no", the eye roll, or my personal favorite, the squinty-eyed "try and make me" look. Little rascals...

My kids, especially my 5-year-old, had been more defiant than usual. When talking with other moms, it seems to be a theme. Maybe I was just noticing it because it's summertime and we're together more, but we'd been having a lot of trouble. There have been too many arguments and too much whining over getting ready to go places, cleaning rooms, baths, toothbrush time...You get the idea.

 My excitement over a summer with my children was slowly turning to dread. I was worried that this problem behavior was going to continue to increase and threaten our happy time together. We love summer and we have so many fun vacations and activities planned! We didn't have time for any nonsense.

My first inclination was to become more strict. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when your kids act out? Set firm boundaries and stick to them. That's what all the parenting books say. 

And I still stand by most of that advice, but in this case, it just wasn't working. 

I decided something else must be causing our trouble. My kids hadn't tested boundaries like this before. Things had been escalating and no one was happy. 

After a day of canceling an outing because my oldest daughter wouldn't get ready, I wanted to talk things out with her.

I had told her, "I've asked you for the last 20 minutes to brush your hair and put on your shoes. If you don't get ready in the next 5 minutes we are not going". I set a timer. She watched me do it. She sat on the floor next to her shoes and hairbrush and watched the time run out.

So I canceled the playdate.

Problem solved. The next time I asked her to get ready, she would. I was sure of it.

Except, it wasn't. She didn't. It happened again. 

When I told her later that I had set a boundary and asked her if she knew I was serious, she said, "I know Mommy. I just didn't want to do what you said again. You always tell me what to do."

Are your kids feeling caged in? 

I gave her some spiel about how I'm the mommy and she's a little girl and sometimes little girls just have to listen to their mommies so things go smoothly. She nodded. She understood. She said she understood that we're a family and we're always trying to work together. She said she understood it was important that she brushes her hair and wears shoes when she goes outside. She's a smart, loving girl. So what was the problem?

It took me a whole day to process what she had told me.

"I know Mommy, I just didn't want to do what you said again. You always tell me what to do."

It wasn't that she didn't want to go. It wasn't that she didn't think she was part of the team. It wasn't that she's morally opposed to hairbrushes or shoes. She felt too pushed around. She was beginning to think of me not as a reasonable, loving Mom but as a female Genghis Khan. 

Iiiiii get a little bit Genghis Khan...

Holy Mike Snow, It's true. I do tell her what to do A LOT. But I'm the Mom. That's my job right? Isn't it a mom's job to order kids around and yell at them when they don't do exactly what we want? Wait a minute. That doesn't sound quite right. It IS my job to keep her safe while she's learning how the world works. It IS my job to model love, respect, self-discipline and to help her navigate the world. But the tyranny? I hadn't thought about it. I'm so glad she finally said something.

I mean, I give her some autonomy. I let her pick out her own clothes, brush her hair, decide what she eats for breakfast, simple chores, etc... But I hadn't given her much extra autonomy since she was about 3 years old. She's capable of doing so much more now...Like 2 years worth.

With the stress of a busy summer, more playdates, and more traveling, she was feeling pushed around. I thought I might be onto something. So the next day after talking to her, I decided something had to give and I tried a different approach.

I'm not sure where the idea came from. It definitely wasn't premeditated. I like to think all of the good parenting advice I've ever received is buried somewhere in my brain and jumps up into my consciousness when desperately needed.

It just sort of hit me while I was trying to clean. Both girls were talking at the same time, wanting separate things from me. I think it came from a place of desperation as much as from a place of hope.

I said "You know what girls? Today, we can do a mommy/kids swap. You two can be the mommy. You're in charge and, as long as you stay safe, I have to do what you tell me to do. What do you think?"

They were immediately thrilled at the idea. They sort of stood there for a moment looking at me until they decided that they were going to take over the sweeping I had been previously engaged in. My 5-year-old took the broom and my three-year-old took the dustpan. With the coordination of The Three Stooges missing Curly, my girls managed to sweep the entire kitchen and family room. 

And do you know what? They actually did a pretty good job. It was passable. I was pretty impressed.
I thought "Well, that was fun. Now they'll probably go back to playing". I figured they would miss the structure of having Mom around and get frustrated at their lack of ability. I mean, the two of them are constantly begging me to do things for them. That's because they can't do things themselves right? (Wrong. More on this later.)

But they didn't. After sweeping, they then decided all of the Legos needed to be picked up and the puzzle that had been sitting on the table for a day and a half and the Tinker Toys should be picked up and put away too. 

At this point, I was taking photographs and videos as evidence to show my husband over dinner.
After giving the downstairs a thorough cleaning, they decided to go out and play on the swingset. I was ordered to push my youngest.

It was hot. After about 15 minutes I wanted to stop. Then I remembered, I was the kid.

I had to obey, otherwise, I was "being bad".  Never ever, will I use that term again. I already knew not to from reading parenting books but I was guilty of letting it slip out of desperation. 

I thought about all of the times the girls had complained of being hot and I simply told them to deal with it. It was usually something along the lines of "I know you're hot. I am too. There are lots of times you will be hot in your life. It's not that bad. Here, drink some water."

I realized I didn't want to be talked to in that manner. I thought about how crappy it would sound coming from another adult. It was demeaning. It minimized feelings and it really didn't help. I need to remember that even though my girls are still maturing, they absolutely deserve to be treated with respect, especially when I expect respect from them.

So, I told myself to deal with it and kept pushing.

Then they wanted to jump on the trampoline.

Then they wanted to play dolls.

I didn't want to play dolls. I didn't want to play house and be the dad...again. And I really didn't want to "play dog", which involved crawling around on the floor, barking.

It was annoying a few times. I kept thinking about how much my girls do what I ask of them, even when I know they don't want to, with no complaints. I thought about the number of times they obey me vs. the number of times they don't.  It's actually a pretty good ratio.

I have really great kids. I mean I have REALLY FANTASTIC kids. 

I think they're nicer than I am.

Our day wrapped up with a ton of book reading which was fun for us both. I would call my little parenting experiment a success. I think they got a lot out of being in charge for a day. The girls went through the whole bedtime routine without tantrums and went to sleep without two trips into our bedroom. They had to make a lot of decisions and I was delighted to see how good they are at problem-solving. I loved watching them negotiate and it was so nice to say, "You're in charge" when they asked me to solve a problem for them.  I'm going to do my best to adopt that attitude a lot more in the future. 

I'm so glad that my daughter was able to tell me what was bothering her and that I was able to listen. I'm going to try my best to give her more control over her life. Because living a life under a tyrant is no fun, even if the tyrant loves you very much.  Hopefully, we'll meet a need for autonomy that wasn't previously being met. If not, I'm sure I'll get a reminder next time we have to go somewhere in a hurry.